


Choose Your Own Torture

by antivillain (museofspeed)



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 11:19:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16994028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/museofspeed/pseuds/antivillain
Summary: Michael's neighborhood keeps failing. Time to see if the woman who keeps messing everything up might have the answer to how to fix it.





	Choose Your Own Torture

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toffeecat (Hero_of_Denerim)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hero_of_Denerim/gifts).



> Happy Yule!! Enjoy the story.

**Attempt #217**

 

Michael steepled his fingers as he looked across his desk at the woman in front of him. Eleanor Shellstrop. Bane of his existence. Way, way too good at figuring out the deal with his neighborhood. Much smarter than literally anyone had given her credit for, especially him. 

Eleanor stared across from him with her usual confused but calm expression. He'd seen this look so many times he was pretty sure if he pulled off his flesh he'd find it etched in his skull and nothing, _nothing_ had worked.

So it was time to change the game. Who knew best what made Eleanor miserable? He'd always known the answer to that question: Eleanor. She was astonishingly self aware for someone so unapologetically selfish. It was frustrating. It was infuriating. It was, in this specific case, going to be useful.

He leaned forward. "All right, here's the deal: you're dead. You're in the Bad Place."

Eleanor blinked. "Excuse me?"

Michael waved a hand. "Yeah, I know, big surprise, take it all in. I've been through this 217 times now and it's getting old."

"Okaaay," Eleanor pushed the chair back. "Y'know, the silver fox thing isn't usually my thing, but I might have been down if you didn't ruin it with whatever _this_ mess is. I'm just gonna--"

"What?" He blinked, then screwed up his face. " _No,_ Eleanor! Why is it _always_ about sex with you?"

She just shrugged and crossed her arms. "Okay, well now I have even _less_ motivation to stick around. I'm just gonna--oh _hello._ " She blinked up at the photo Michael had just slid across the desk. It was a tall, extremely busty, extremely _British_ woman that Eleanor didn't yet know would annoy the carp out of her. Tahani.

"Yes, _now_ do I have your extremely short-spanned attention?" Michael rolled his eyes. "What if I were to tell you that this woman is your soulmate?"

"I'd say I want some of whatever it is you're on." Eleanor raised an eyebrow, but she wasn't walking towards the door. "Really, _her?_ I mean, I know I'm hot, but… wow."

"She could be," Michael said. "She hasn't been yet. But I have the ability to make it so that she is this time. Think about it. You and her. All you have to do is one little favor for me."

Eleanor stared at the picture of Tahani, tilting her head thoughtfully. "What do you mean, 'this time?'"

"Ah." Michael waved away the picture. "Well, as it happens, this isn't the first time you've been here. That actually brings me to the favor I need from you. See, I've been running this experiment. Trying to prove that under the right circumstances, humans will actually torture _each other_ without demons having to lift a single claw. But you--" he pointed at her, mouth tilting into a scowl, " _you_ keep ruining my plans. You keep realizing that this is the Bad Place."

"You just told me this is--"

"This time doesn't count!" Michael groaned and twisted his hand in his hair. "Tell me how I can make you miserable. Tell me what I can do to torture you so subtly and _exquisitely_ that you won't even realize that you're miserable until you've driven yourself and the three other humans completely _mad._ Tell me how to destroy you, and I'll give you this… 'smoking hot babe' as your soulmate."

"Okay, first of all, never say those words again." Eleanor made a face. "It sounds _weird_ coming from you. Second… " she made a pensive face. "Shrimp for every meal. _That_ would be total torture. I don't even know how I'd be able to survive such horrifying suffering."

Michael rolled his eyes. He shouldn't be surprised Eleanor was pulling something like this. He _knew_ her, after all. But still, he found it frustrating. "Did I mention the other option is that you'll go to the _real_ Bad Place and be tortured with such tried and true methods as _fire snails?_ "

"Ugh, fine." She took the seat again, crossing her arms and slumping back in her chair. "All right. Tell me what you've got so far.

 

**Attempt #218**

 

Things were proceeding _beautifully._ It had been weeks with no "wait a minute, this is the Bad Place" to speak of. Michael should have tried this ages ago. He wandered through his beautiful little neighborhood, smiling beatifically. Eleanor had brought him around on the shrimp eventually, under the argument that nothing would be more torturous while appearing wonderful as making her subsist on a diet of nothing but her favorite food. And he could see how the misery was playing out already. Chidi was sitting at a table and staring at the shrimp cocktail in front of him like he would rather the shrimp eat him than the other way around. Jason was looking longingly at the shrimp, but he was still supposed to be a monk, and Michael had helpfully informed him that he'd get salad instead so as not to go against his holy vegetarian diet. Eleanor and Tahani were--

Hm. Come to think of it, he hadn't seen Tahani and Eleanor in a few days.

Michael frowned. They couldn't _actually_ kill each other when they were already dead, but that didn't mean he necessarily wanted them to try. "Chidi?"

Chidi looked up. "It's fine!" he said. "This is the best… shrimp.. ever!"

Ha, Eleanor had been so right. He smiled. "Oh, I'm so glad to hear it. But I was wondering, do you know where Eleanor and Tahani have gone off to? I'd been hoping to catch up with them today."

Chidi's expression darkened and he slumped over his shrimp. "Yes, well. Go anywhere near Eleanor's house and you'll figure it out pretty quickly. You'd _think_ the 

Good Place would have better soundproofing."

Michael blinked. "Better soundproofing? Why?"

Chidi, who had always been too smart for his own good, just fixed him with a look.

"Well, I suppose I better check on them," Michael said. "And make sure they're okay."

"Suit yourself," Chidi said. "But really, you do _not_ want to go over there without ear plugs."

 

There were, indeed, _noises_ coming out of Eleanor's house as Michael approached. Weird groaning and moaning noises, in fact. He debated leaving, but… he really did need to find out what had happened with them. He steeled himself, then walked over to knock on the door.

It took a little too long for Tahani to come answer the door, and when she did, she was wearing only a sheet, holding the door all but closed. "Oh, Michael! Now really isn't a good time. Perhaps we could meet for lunch tomorrow or something? I'm a bit, ah, tied up at the moment."

"Not yet you aren't!" Eleanor yelled from inside the house. "But we can change that!"

Tahani blushed and leaned in. "If I might confide in you, Michael, I was skeptical at first that such an uncultured _American_ could be my soulmate, but she's certainly proved herself to be, ah, inventive beyond my wildest imaginings. I am very happy."

Michael stared. She wasn't overcompensating or trying to convince him because she didn't want to admit to being unhappy. She was being completely and entirely honest. Was Eleanor actually making Tahani happy? That was impossible. They were so different! Yes, Eleanor was consistently extremely horny for Tahani, but Eleanor was horny for _everyone._ Tahani wasn't supposed to return her horniness.

Eleanor wandered out behind Tahani, wrapped in her own sheet and snacking on pilfered shrimp. She did not look even slightly sick of it. Mostly, she just looked smug. "Oh, hey Michael. Have I mentioned how _glad_ I am that I belong in the Good Place? Not that there was any doubt at all, of course. But wow, it's awesome here."

She'd played him. She didn't even remember, and she'd _played_ him. Michael kept staring for another moment, then shook his head. "Oh, for fork's sake." He snapped his fingers.

Time for attempt #219.


End file.
